I'm still learning.

With five children, time flies, whether you're having fun or not.

I need the clock to slow down, so I can enjoy this little boy.

I knew that every child of mine would be different.  I've heard many a mother say that "what works for one child does not work for another", and that "you pick your battles".  I've heard all this, stored it in my memory bank as pearls of wisdom, and even borrowed the phrases a time or two.  

Little did I know!...until my middle child turned two. I had never known a two year old to wake up and cry for an hour every morning because I poured milk in his cereal, or I got the wrong cereal altogether. Heavens, that was a rough year.  Actually, so was this last year. How could I say something over and over in several different ways and it not make sense to him?!? I don't know how many times I said "I just don't know what to do anymore!"

My little boy is the King of stubborn, which requires me to be the Queen of patience. 

Only I had failed over and over again as his mother. 

We butted heads. I hollered, I called Dean in desperation every other day, I tried and tried to reason with him, I (gulp) spanked him, I pulled my hairs out one by one, we both screamed and cried, and finally, finally, I decided we needed help. Our pediatrician referred us to a specialist. And while my pride screams and hollers when I admit that I needed the help of a behavioral health specialist, I feel forever indebted to the Doctor that helped me restore the peace in my  home, helped me see my little boy in a different light.

I want to scoop him up, freeze time, and cherish him. I want to cherish the four-year-old delight that he is, cherish him in a way that I rarely did when he was three.

I didn't know how to discipline this child. I didn't really know how to love him either. 

I ache. Admitting that and knowing what I have missed, knowing what he has missed, makes my heart hurt.

If only I knew then what I know now. If only I could turn the clock back and do it right the first time.

But...to this day, he still tells me he loves me on a daily basis! 

That is what I call unconditional love. 

And I am on the receiving end!

My child teaches me.